Tuesday, October 10, 2006

driving at the speed of profound

i know i'm a good driver. i rarely get lost or cause major sig alerts.

but sometimes a girl needs to pull over and check out the road map. to be honest, I'm feeling pressured from all angles (or lanes, if we're keeping with the metaphor).

Where to begin? Well, I can start with one of msn.com's headlines: “What are You Gonna do with Your Life?

Or how about the tv commercial that just came on as I’m typing this frigging thing:

Character says: (okay, it’s Lorilei Gilmore, from one of my favorite [don’t tell anyone] tv shows, the Gilmore Girls. It gets into my whole “cool mom/awesome daughter” relationship fantasy, but I digress)

A confused, at a crossroads, Lorilei says, “What if I don’t want to do what I want to do because I want to do it? What if I don’t like what I like, because I like it, but because my mother doesn’t like it?…” enter voiceover, “sometimes, when you don’t know which way to go, you have to follow your heart.” (want another metaphor? search this week's GG episode for the Pop-Tart metaphor. mind blowing).

Or how about the emails I’ve been getting from my producer friend offering me the opportunity to direct a show?

Or that this month's breast cancer awareness advertising makes me miss my mom whenever i think of yogurt?

Or how about that one of the six people i've had in my new home since i've moved here has stolen 10k of krugerrands from the shoebox in my bedroom - i know. my bad. a shoebox is not fort knox, even if it does rhyme and was semi hidden under winter sweaters (now you all know my ultra safe combo: look left under green cableknit sweater). my life as a boardgame metaphor? Clue. damn. gotta get one.

Or how about the fact that I am so unhappy/depressed with the latest undisclosed divorce/court battle that for the past two weeks I’ve been losing sleep and can’t wait to get to work just so I can be lost in details instead of dealing with my personal crap?

Or how about that the only reason I loved my job was because I had the best boss in the history of bosses, and then today said boss announced at our sr. staff meeting she’s taking a new position on the opposite side of the continent?

Do I need to go on?

I love to act/direct - that's my lifelong passion and honest to goodness talent (not one to brag. much)... but I gotta pay the bills and be home to put dinner on the table. I need to be happy but the last go around with lawyers has thrown me a way outta wack. I ……I …. I’m so sick of thinking of myself I could puke, yet I’m tired of being the Adult doing what has to be done. i.e. the right thing - instead of going for the gusto in life, at the expense of those who count on me to be there.

When I think about my boss resigning for more lucrative corporate adventures on the east coast, I get all teary eyed. It’s like breaking up with a significant other; or worse, being dumped by said S/O. You should’ve seen us – nine corporate executives (and me, the ever faithful admin to the VP) all drop jawed and emotional over our leader jumping ship for a better gig.

(blows in hanky) Anyways…I’ll get over it. Major corporate fluxes are no biggie. I just need to shift gears and think of helping her with her exit plan instead of working on her Holiday luncheon and Q4 goal metrics. It’s just that we got along so well, and whenever I look at the silk jewelry pouch she gave me….arrgh. and I just bought a new plant for her office. Fat chance that’ll make it on the moving van to D.C.

(blows in wet hanky). Crap. This is what comes out of not having a boyfriend.

(wipes nose)….overly emotionally invested in a work role model. Or at least wanting something worthy and good to last.

Can you tell I’m a bit wonky? A bit flummoxed?

I’ll just leave it at that.

p.s. spending bathtime with my boy has put life in perspective. he made me a plastic bead Necklace today.

fyi...N is the letter of the week. i'll keep my new necklace in my silk jewelry pouch.

post p.s. during bedtime prayers, my son reminded me to talk to God about my day and how my boss is leaving.
Son = Godsend.


healthpsych said...

The healing power of a plastic bead necklace cannot be underestimated. How cute.

Seems you have so much going on if your life currently, McKay. Wish life were simpler for you, wish you felt able to follow your talent and dreams and take the directing gig.

Hugs, friend.

Mr. Althouse said...

I'll get back to you...
Hang in there!

Ellen said...

Ok, I'm just going to quit complaining about my life here, because you had me blowing into a wet hanky. How sad to think you are just coasting along nicely, then somebody throws a curveball out of nowhere to mess it all up.

Hope it all works out, whatever you choose to do... but I think the directing job sounds pretty cool.

Son/Godsend = your Rock.

Senor Caiman said...


You have a nice head do what your heart tells you to do.

I think the Molly Maids stode my leather pants. You just can't trust anyone.

Mr. Althouse said...

Ok, I have a few minutes... let's see if I have anything that will help -

First of all, you are a kind, beautiful, articulate and intelligent woman. No amount of litigation can take that from you.

Second, although it is hard to believe sometimes, everything will be ok - it has to be. It can't be anything but ok. I know it's hard to keep the faith sometimes, but I know you have it within you - you'll be ok.

Third, the theif will get his (or hers), you don't need to worry about it. However, it wouldn't hurt to be a little bit more cautious. I do feel your pain though - believe that.

Lastly, everything happens for a reason - your boss moving onward and upward must serve some purpose. We may or may not ever know, but there is a reason.

I don't know if that helped, but it probably didn't hurt. Hang in there, you are worth it!


mckay said...

thank you, everyone, for your kind words and encouragement. the shock over my VP leaving has worn off a bit and now i've switched gears toward helping her move on...and i'm planning a few goodbye luncheons and parting gifts, etc... busy, busy. i still get teary eyed, but hey, tears are a sure sign that i'm still alive and kicking. i care about stuff.

i care about you guys and your attention to my bad day. thanks again.