Saturday, March 31, 2007

emo post ending

here's the end of the st. paddy's day story. i'll make it short and sweet.

i spent the first part of the evening chatting with old friends...hit the wall of 'i don't like mingling. i'm uncomfortable, so i'm ready to go home", but then i saw a friend sitting out on the patio. i walked over, sat and talked with him for the rest of the evening...more like into the wee hours.

we've known each other for around 12 years. in my single years i dated one of his best friends. we were team leaders, so we worked together often.

we lost touch when i got married; however he's one of those people i always love to see. i get a little bit happier when he's around.

(side bar: in fact i had just read an article about this very feeling that morning. i think reading that article helped motivate me to get out and reconnect.)

well, my old buddy and i, we've been emailing a little bit..and i wonder if....maybe..something might develop.

how awkward to wonder if someone else feels the potential, too.


being out of the cave and in the sun can feel vulnerable, exciting and back to vulnerable...then back to exciting and vulnerable again.

i feel a tiny bit exposed. where's my fig leaf?

momma's lessons in life

mckid surprised me the other day. his preschool teacher told me he pulled down his pants on the playground. i gave him the standard mom speech about private parts and making good choices, even if the bad choices are much funnier.

driving home we talked about the concepts of public decency and what's okay and not okay to do in public. i figured a little punishment was in order.

i told him, "you don't get to watch your tv show tonight while i make dinner. i get to watch one of my shows."

This is the ultimate torture for a five year old.

my fool proof plan backfired when i picked a tivo'd program, The Kennedy Center Presents. It was the 2005 Mark Twain Prize, going to Mr. Steve Martin. mckid was sufficiently bored until the Flydini clip came on.

mckid's responses were so genuinely funny. here's some of the stuff he said as he watched...

"how does he do that magic? maybe he's a chicken."

"the cigarette comes outta his pants?!"

"another egg?!" hahahahaha!

"flowers?! how does he do this magic?!"

"momma! now a puppet came outta his pants! a puppet is singing! how is a puppet singing???!!!


'now THAT was a funny thing. i wanna see that again."

*singing ala pavarotti*

"a puuuuuuppet came ouuuuutta his paaaaaaants!

sometimes the lesson a momma intends, teaches a completely different lesson.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

cavewoman emerges

where to begin? i kinda lied...i didn't have writer's block. i just got tired of being lonely, depressed, and avoiding my legal battle. blah blogging ...poor me - bores me.

"if ya can't think of anything nice to type, don't type anything at all"

so i had to stop.

i knew i was in a much longer funk than i've ever experienced, but i didn't have enough hutzpah to snap out of it. holidays blahs? maybe. i thought about seeing a doc but i didn't want to be dependent on anti-depressants or the salve of paying someone with a degree to listen to my problems. i knew my problems. i knew what i needed to do, but i couldn't move. i had a mental paralysis and was stuck in 'wallowing-in my-crap' mode.

not at work, mind you. i've been working harder than ever..even without a boss. people thought that when my CIO resigned i'd be coming in later (yep, i did..i loved having more morning time with mckid) and leaving early (nope, i stayed late), but basically i've thrown myself into my work...even more so now that the new CIO is here and going like gangbusters. 9.5 hour work days are the norm. i skip lunch and work nonstop. focusing on work was (is) another way to avoid the pain, and it has benefits - career stability, an awesome review, bonus and pay raise (woo!)....well, that's just wishful thinking on the pay raise part. that won't be determined or announced for another month, but my fingers are crossed and things look good.

at home, i've been stagnant. loss of marriage, loss of friends, loss of daughter, home, job. it was too much; especially losing my daughter. it was as if i had been in a horrific car accident and the body goes into shock in order to survive.

i've felt the stagnancy in my spirituality, as well. loss of faith at a time when i needed something to hold onto cut me to the core. i let go of God. another broken relationship. how sad He must be to see me hurting and pushing Him away. ah well. a parent's love is long suffering and i'm starting to come around..

back in october when i got the news of my CIO quitting, it put me in a tailspin and i reached out to an old friend. she has an annual halloween party and i hadn't been in years, but i knew i could show up. i was a little hesitant, because she was my truest friend...honest to the core - she'd always call it as she sees it. no sugar coating, which i find refreshing. anyways, she was my pre-marriage friend. we were spiritual core team leaders for years and i made the all too common mistake of losing touch with my single friends when i got married. i wasn't too sure if she'd see me as a flake.

i should have known better. i was welcomed in like the prodigal gal. tears, hugs, quiet 1:1 talk in the backyard as the party went on inside.

i really needed a good faithful friend. i told her i was coming out of my cave and she understood. she sent me an email calling me cavewoman, and i knew i was slowing emerging, with the help of a funny, faithful friend.

holidays were ....survived. good moments, bittersweet moments. i love my daughter so much, i want her here with me all the time, not just the holidays. is it selfish to want so much more? my goal is to do and honor what's best for her -not me. ah, life. bittersweet.

i've gone on several dates with one man, whom my sister adores and wants me to marry, but i have no romantic feelings for him. we talk well. easy, smooth, honest. he's a good friend, but i hold back because he has feelings for me and i don't want to hurt him. i've felt that i'm too bruised and damaged to ever want to remarry again. to put that much trust and faith into a relationship is too much to think about. i've told myself i'm done with all that.

but being alone is so painful.

working late this past friday and going home to an empty house was ...heartachingly sad. i went to blockbuster to rent a movie and i wondered how many other people in that store or in my neighborhood were going through the motions and feeling the same levels of loneliness. i just needed a friend or two.

...more to come....

* * * * * ** * *

(i know this post is maudlin, but it's real and not fluff. there's positive stuff coming. i just ran out of time for blogging. had to get the laundry done, vacuum, clean the carpet where the mutt left a nice chocolate surprise...not THAT kind of a surprise. he got into a packet of chocolate protein drink. i had a chocolate stain on my carpet the size of a welcome mat.

my house smelled like a godiva store. talk about your aroma therapy.

* * * * * * * *

okay, back to mellow maudlin moments with mckay....

where was i?

mental funk... check.
working girl gone wild w/ overtime... check.
catholic coma... check.
former fab friend grabs lifeline..... check.
drab dates.... check.

all this and so much more!

former fab friend also hosts an annual st. paddy's day party. it's a great mix of folks. long time catholic singles group, full of fun, faith, service...these are not your bar hopping OC beach bombshells. they're real people - kind hearted with a deep spiritual calling that i find very attractive. the outside might not be much to behold on some. in fact in some respects the party might look like a bit of a nerd fest. but get to know these folks and you'll see the beauty.

so, i'm both looking forward to going to this little party and a little bit nervous. i don't do parties well. i'm not a great mingler. i'd much rather connect with one or two folks and have a good conversation.

i bring some of appetizers for the gang, two newcastle beers for myself and i feel lucky to park my car on a crowded neighborhood street and have a place to go...does that make sense? do you ever see cars lined up in the neighborhood and you know someone's having a party? that happens in my neighborhood all the time and i feel a pang in my chest...wanting to be on the invite list.

anyways, i feel a bit of joy in parking my car...silly, i know, but i was glad to have a place to go...i walk up to the door - that moment of ...will this be a good night, or a letdown - happens. i open the door, and i heard my name yelled by various peeps...

"hey, mck!!! where've you been?! come on in....let me help you carry that casserole dish," etc. warm fuzzies all around...granted, they'd been partying for an hour or so before i arrived, but hey, i'm not one to turn down a hug even if it might have been helped along with a heinekin.

* * * * * * * **
okay, i'm not one for writing huge blog entries, so i'll leave it at this for now...

Sunday, March 11, 2007

creeped me out, man

didja ever have one of those moments that was creepy, scary and surreal? i had one yesterday. i was out for a nice walk with mckid and the dog. mckid was ahead on his lil fireball of a toddler bike and i was a bit further back walking with the dog. we were three-quarters of the way home after getting a bite to eat at the neighborhood carl's jr.

the whole walk i kept shouting at my lil powerhouse to slow down, turn around and come back closer to in numbers...stop before the curb....make sure i can see you. he just wanted to keep peddling as fast as he could, just like a little boy should.

well, there he was, going like gang busters down the last stretch of the main road and then i saw it.

a white van driving so slow it seemed odd. there were no street signs for a driver to be searching for. the van slowed down almost to a stop. i had a vision of it stopping, the side door opening and my boy vanishing. ..and i was just too far away to stop it from happening.

i gave the driver the evil eye from hell and was ready to let my golden retriever/pitbull of a mutt go, in the hopes of him transforming from a lovable lug into a mix of lassie, krypto the superdog and cujo.

the van took off. i had my eyes on my boy, then i turned around to get the plate and it was gone. vanished...must have floored it to be gone so fast. and that was that.

did i imagine it? was i a bit paranoid? i'll never know. i do know my boy is save and i'm buying a bike so i can keep up with him.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

how mckay deals with writer's block

contents of my purse:

wallet bought on the streets of italy for 20 dollars in 2001:
amc movie ticket envelope containing 10 .02 cent stamps
assorted plastic rewards cards
drivers license
two credit cards
assorted receipts
spafinder gift certificate christmas 2005
sharper image gift card
victoria secret gift card
edwards movie re-entry coupon
amc discount movie coupon
grocery pet food rewards coupon for 9.00
21 .39 cent stamps
family picture
2 dance photos of my daughter
two dollars
3.15 in change
1 safety pin

checkbook bought in 1977. quality lasts.

little zipper bag: (purchased in 1980):
covergirl compact
four lipgloss thingies
three lip liners
two clinique lipsticks
anti-diarrheal medicine (for that beef strogonoff made with bad sour cream)
one puzzle piece
office max letter opener
OPI nail lacquer

driving glasses
plastic wrapper for an after dinner mint

hallmark paper bag:
birthday card for my cool cousin mary kay
birthday card for cool blogger, neil kramer

happy birthday, ya big lug!!! neilochka, you are truly the most awesome blogger i've never met. you're witty with a wide range of posts that always amuse and entertain me. i was so surprised and touched when you responded to my blog post looking for enthusiastic sponsors for my susan g. komen 5k in honor of my mom's memory. you came through with words of encouragement AND a donation. wow. very impressive :0)

well, i am the queen of keeping secrets, but i will give you a hint on what i plan to get in the mail this week (better late than never, as the saying goes...)

in the card you will receive two items from my purse.

happy birthday!!!

love and cyberhugs to you and your wonderful better half, sophia,