Sunday, March 18, 2007

cavewoman emerges

where to begin? i kinda lied...i didn't have writer's block. i just got tired of being lonely, depressed, and avoiding my legal battle. blah blogging ...poor me - bores me.

"if ya can't think of anything nice to type, don't type anything at all"

so i had to stop.

i knew i was in a much longer funk than i've ever experienced, but i didn't have enough hutzpah to snap out of it. holidays blahs? maybe. i thought about seeing a doc but i didn't want to be dependent on anti-depressants or the salve of paying someone with a degree to listen to my problems. i knew my problems. i knew what i needed to do, but i couldn't move. i had a mental paralysis and was stuck in 'wallowing-in my-crap' mode.

not at work, mind you. i've been working harder than ever..even without a boss. people thought that when my CIO resigned i'd be coming in later (yep, i did..i loved having more morning time with mckid) and leaving early (nope, i stayed late), but basically i've thrown myself into my work...even more so now that the new CIO is here and going like gangbusters. 9.5 hour work days are the norm. i skip lunch and work nonstop. focusing on work was (is) another way to avoid the pain, and it has benefits - career stability, an awesome review, bonus and pay raise (woo!)....well, that's just wishful thinking on the pay raise part. that won't be determined or announced for another month, but my fingers are crossed and things look good.

at home, i've been stagnant. loss of marriage, loss of friends, loss of daughter, home, job. it was too much; especially losing my daughter. it was as if i had been in a horrific car accident and the body goes into shock in order to survive.

i've felt the stagnancy in my spirituality, as well. loss of faith at a time when i needed something to hold onto cut me to the core. i let go of God. another broken relationship. how sad He must be to see me hurting and pushing Him away. ah well. a parent's love is long suffering and i'm starting to come around..

back in october when i got the news of my CIO quitting, it put me in a tailspin and i reached out to an old friend. she has an annual halloween party and i hadn't been in years, but i knew i could show up. i was a little hesitant, because she was my truest friend...honest to the core - she'd always call it as she sees it. no sugar coating, which i find refreshing. anyways, she was my pre-marriage friend. we were spiritual core team leaders for years and i made the all too common mistake of losing touch with my single friends when i got married. i wasn't too sure if she'd see me as a flake.

i should have known better. i was welcomed in like the prodigal gal. tears, hugs, quiet 1:1 talk in the backyard as the party went on inside.

i really needed a good faithful friend. i told her i was coming out of my cave and she understood. she sent me an email calling me cavewoman, and i knew i was slowing emerging, with the help of a funny, faithful friend.

holidays were ....survived. good moments, bittersweet moments. i love my daughter so much, i want her here with me all the time, not just the holidays. is it selfish to want so much more? my goal is to do and honor what's best for her -not me. ah, life. bittersweet.

i've gone on several dates with one man, whom my sister adores and wants me to marry, but i have no romantic feelings for him. we talk well. easy, smooth, honest. he's a good friend, but i hold back because he has feelings for me and i don't want to hurt him. i've felt that i'm too bruised and damaged to ever want to remarry again. to put that much trust and faith into a relationship is too much to think about. i've told myself i'm done with all that.

but being alone is so painful.

working late this past friday and going home to an empty house was ...heartachingly sad. i went to blockbuster to rent a movie and i wondered how many other people in that store or in my neighborhood were going through the motions and feeling the same levels of loneliness. i just needed a friend or two.

...more to come....

* * * * * ** * *

(i know this post is maudlin, but it's real and not fluff. there's positive stuff coming. i just ran out of time for blogging. had to get the laundry done, vacuum, clean the carpet where the mutt left a nice chocolate surprise...not THAT kind of a surprise. he got into a packet of chocolate protein drink. i had a chocolate stain on my carpet the size of a welcome mat.

my house smelled like a godiva store. talk about your aroma therapy.

* * * * * * * *

okay, back to mellow maudlin moments with mckay....

where was i?

mental funk... check.
working girl gone wild w/ overtime... check.
catholic coma... check.
former fab friend grabs lifeline..... check.
drab dates.... check.

all this and so much more!

former fab friend also hosts an annual st. paddy's day party. it's a great mix of folks. long time catholic singles group, full of fun, faith, service...these are not your bar hopping OC beach bombshells. they're real people - kind hearted with a deep spiritual calling that i find very attractive. the outside might not be much to behold on some. in fact in some respects the party might look like a bit of a nerd fest. but get to know these folks and you'll see the beauty.

so, i'm both looking forward to going to this little party and a little bit nervous. i don't do parties well. i'm not a great mingler. i'd much rather connect with one or two folks and have a good conversation.

i bring some of appetizers for the gang, two newcastle beers for myself and i feel lucky to park my car on a crowded neighborhood street and have a place to go...does that make sense? do you ever see cars lined up in the neighborhood and you know someone's having a party? that happens in my neighborhood all the time and i feel a pang in my chest...wanting to be on the invite list.

anyways, i feel a bit of joy in parking my car...silly, i know, but i was glad to have a place to go...i walk up to the door - that moment of ...will this be a good night, or a letdown - happens. i open the door, and i heard my name yelled by various peeps...

"hey, mck!!! where've you been?! come on in....let me help you carry that casserole dish," etc. warm fuzzies all around...granted, they'd been partying for an hour or so before i arrived, but hey, i'm not one to turn down a hug even if it might have been helped along with a heinekin.

* * * * * * * **
okay, i'm not one for writing huge blog entries, so i'll leave it at this for now...


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear all of that, but glad you are here now. I worked with a lady I really didn't like but she said something once when I was having a bad day I really liked. She would say, "At least they didn't take your birthday." In some odd way I find comfort in that. Email if you want to talk.


Mr. Althouse said...

I need to gather my thoughts... As the Gubenator would say, "I'll be Bach." (you van be Beethoven)


Mr. Althouse said...

Ok. I'm not at my sharpest... feeling just a little, I dunno - wiped out. Everything has been coming on fast and so far I just keep scrambling - just staying on top of it. Next week is spring break and it isn't a moment too soon. No scantily clad beach babes in the tropics for this soon to be post-grad, however, those days are long gone.

You might find it hard to believe, but I've been there. There were times in my life when major and traumatic upheavals came down on me and I felt as though I was in it alone - and that no one could possibly understand. I didn't want to "burden" anyone with my problems, so I was the good soldier and sucked it up. I convinced myself that it was my cross to bear and that no one really cared anyway.

To some extent, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy - I received what I projected. I couldn't ask for help, I couldn't admit that I was dieing inside, I had to be strong. I had (and have) a number of real friends... thick 'n' thin types, ya know? But I treated them as though they wouldn't care, couldn't understand... like only fair-weather friends. I cut myself off from those who cared the most.

I understand self-imposed exile, martyrdom and isolation and I never want to go there again. I embrace my friends and family today. If I need support, I tell them - they're not mind readers and I need to remember that many do understand, but even more importantly... that they don't have to. They're there anyway.

It sounds like you have come though the other side. I know there have been monumental changes in your life and it's to be expected that you might be left a little shell-shocked. It's going to be all right. Patience is the key... this too shall pass. And I know I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.

Sometimes it helps to here it from a friend though.


Jamie Dawn said...

I should have checked back in here sooner.

You really have had a rough time, and things are not resolved. Life does not wrap things up nicely at the end of each half hour episode like those shows we grew up watching. I wish things would resolve quickly and completely.

I am so sad about your daughter. I can't imagine the ache in your heart having her live away from you and only seeing her once in a while.

I'm glad you've been dating again!! You've been hurt, but don't let that stop you from inching your way forward and opening up your heart bit by bit.
I'd love to see you love again and truly be loved in return!!!!!! XX OO XX OO
Well, not literally SEE YOU, just reading about it would suffice. :)

I'm glad you are out and about, partying and all.
You beer drinker, you!

Keep up the good work at work. I hope you are justly rewarded.

Hug that great McKid EVERY chance you get!!!!
He's your treasure!!!!!

ablondeblogger said...

Aww, McKay, I'm so sorry! I had no idea you were going through so much. I totally understand the need to withdraw and regroup. I go through that so often myself; on my blog and in real life.

I hope you feel better soon. Hugs and prayers coming your way!

And yes, I'm with you on the creepy van. That would've freaked the heck out of me!!!

mckay said...

thanks so much, jef, crock, sam, jamie and dawn for your comments. it took me a while to come back and say thanks. you're words touched and helped me more that you know.

sam, your comment is one i'll need to keep on file and reread whenever i get the blues. thanks, pal.

jamie, you're such a good an emotional cheerleader. i always feel a lil bit better after reading your blog and/or comments. thanks for that gift.