where to begin? i kinda lied...i didn't have writer's block. i just got tired of being lonely, depressed, and avoiding my legal battle. blah blogging ...poor me - bores me.
"if ya can't think of anything nice to type, don't type anything at all"
so i had to stop.
i knew i was in a much longer funk than i've ever experienced, but i didn't have enough hutzpah to snap out of it. holidays blahs? maybe. i thought about seeing a doc but i didn't want to be dependent on anti-depressants or the salve of paying someone with a degree to listen to my problems. i knew my problems. i knew what i needed to do, but i couldn't move. i had a mental paralysis and was stuck in 'wallowing-in my-crap' mode.
not at work, mind you. i've been working harder than ever..even without a boss. people thought that when my CIO resigned i'd be coming in later (yep, i did..i loved having more morning time with mckid) and leaving early (nope, i stayed late), but basically i've thrown myself into my work...even more so now that the new CIO is here and going like gangbusters. 9.5 hour work days are the norm. i skip lunch and work nonstop. focusing on work was (is) another way to avoid the pain, and it has benefits - career stability, an awesome review, bonus and pay raise (woo!)....well, that's just wishful thinking on the pay raise part. that won't be determined or announced for another month, but my fingers are crossed and things look good.
at home, i've been stagnant. loss of marriage, loss of friends, loss of daughter, home, job. it was too much; especially losing my daughter. it was as if i had been in a horrific car accident and the body goes into shock in order to survive.
i've felt the stagnancy in my spirituality, as well. loss of faith at a time when i needed something to hold onto cut me to the core. i let go of God. another broken relationship. how sad He must be to see me hurting and pushing Him away. ah well. a parent's love is long suffering and i'm starting to come around..
back in october when i got the news of my CIO quitting, it put me in a tailspin and i reached out to an old friend. she has an annual halloween party and i hadn't been in years, but i knew i could show up. i was a little hesitant, because she was my truest friend...honest to the core - she'd always call it as she sees it. no sugar coating, which i find refreshing. anyways, she was my pre-marriage friend. we were spiritual core team leaders for years and i made the all too common mistake of losing touch with my single friends when i got married. i wasn't too sure if she'd see me as a flake.
i should have known better. i was welcomed in like the prodigal gal. tears, hugs, quiet 1:1 talk in the backyard as the party went on inside.
i really needed a good faithful friend. i told her i was coming out of my cave and she understood. she sent me an email calling me cavewoman, and i knew i was slowing emerging, with the help of a funny, faithful friend.
holidays were ....survived. good moments, bittersweet moments. i love my daughter so much, i want her here with me all the time, not just the holidays. is it selfish to want so much more? my goal is to do and honor what's best for her -not me. ah, life. bittersweet.
i've gone on several dates with one man, whom my sister adores and wants me to marry, but i have no romantic feelings for him. we talk well. easy, smooth, honest. he's a good friend, but i hold back because he has feelings for me and i don't want to hurt him. i've felt that i'm too bruised and damaged to ever want to remarry again. to put that much trust and faith into a relationship is too much to think about. i've told myself i'm done with all that.
but being alone is so painful.
working late this past friday and going home to an empty house was ...heartachingly sad. i went to blockbuster to rent a movie and i wondered how many other people in that store or in my neighborhood were going through the motions and feeling the same levels of loneliness. i just needed a friend or two.
...more to come....
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(i know this post is maudlin, but it's real and not fluff. there's positive stuff coming. i just ran out of time for blogging. had to get the laundry done, vacuum, clean the carpet where the mutt left a nice chocolate surprise...not THAT kind of a surprise. he got into a packet of chocolate protein drink. i had a chocolate stain on my carpet the size of a welcome mat.
my house smelled like a godiva store. talk about your aroma therapy.
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okay, back to mellow maudlin moments with mckay....
where was i?
mental funk... check.
working girl gone wild w/ overtime... check.
catholic coma... check.
former fab friend grabs lifeline..... check.
drab dates.... check.
all this and so much more!
former fab friend also hosts an annual st. paddy's day party. it's a great mix of folks. long time catholic singles group, full of fun, faith, service...these are not your bar hopping OC beach bombshells. they're real people - kind hearted with a deep spiritual calling that i find very attractive. the outside might not be much to behold on some. in fact in some respects the party might look like a bit of a nerd fest. but get to know these folks and you'll see the beauty.
so, i'm both looking forward to going to this little party and a little bit nervous. i don't do parties well. i'm not a great mingler. i'd much rather connect with one or two folks and have a good conversation.
i bring some of appetizers for the gang, two newcastle beers for myself and i feel lucky to park my car on a crowded neighborhood street and have a place to go...does that make sense? do you ever see cars lined up in the neighborhood and you know someone's having a party? that happens in my neighborhood all the time and i feel a pang in my chest...wanting to be on the invite list.
anyways, i feel a bit of joy in parking my car...silly, i know, but i was glad to have a place to go...i walk up to the door - that moment of ...will this be a good night, or a letdown - happens. i open the door, and i heard my name yelled by various peeps...
"hey, mck!!! where've you been?! come on in....let me help you carry that casserole dish," etc. warm fuzzies all around...granted, they'd been partying for an hour or so before i arrived, but hey, i'm not one to turn down a hug even if it might have been helped along with a heinekin.
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okay, i'm not one for writing huge blog entries, so i'll leave it at this for now...