Saturday, April 29, 2006

fun, fun, fun!

After my little emo moment the other day, I got to thinking. (shocking, I know) I said to myself, “Self, maybe it’s menopause.” So I did a little net sleuthing and I found – horror of horrors…35 symptoms to check off.

Get out your pencils, girls.

1. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling …sounds like a song I once heard..”I’ve got that clammy feeling…

2. Bouts of rapid heart beat

3. Irritability, Mood swings…I am NOT emotional, I tell you!!

4. Sudden tears ….waaaaaaaaaaa. this is so me right now. I cry during movies that I’ve seen a hundred times, yet never shed a tear prior. Oy! Pass the tissues.

5. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats) not so much.

6. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; shorter cycles, longer cycles …TMI

7. Loss of libido….nope, just not my party these days.

8. Dry vagina …ewu. The things I get to look forward to. Do we have to get ALL the symptoms? I’ll skip this one, thanks.

9. Crashing fatigue…is this going to raise my car insurance?

10. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease

11. Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom …is it just me, or don’t #s 10 & 11 sound a bit the same?

12. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion …hmmm?

13. Disturbing memory lapses …I don’t remember having any loss of memory, so I think I’m okay with this one.

14. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence …I’ve learned to cross my legs real tight when I feel a sneeze coming on.

15. Itchy, crawly skin …god, this is all so sexy.

16. Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons

17. Increased tension in muscles …again, 16 &17: real similar. I think they’re just trying to raise the number count to make this meopause thing real serious sounding.

18. Breast tenderness ….didn’t we have to deal with this when we were 11?

19. Headache change: increase or decrease …I’ve had mega migraines lately. Ouch.

20. Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea …excuse me.

21. Sudden bouts of bloat …oh, great, this is all so fun.

22. Depression …sigh.

23. Exacerbation of existing conditions …again with raising the number count. Knock it off cyber writers.

24. Increase in allergies

25. Weight gain (!) another thing I can blame it on.

26. Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair …oh, gross.

27. Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance

28. Changes in body odor

29. Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head

30. Tingling in the extremities,

31. Gum problems, increased bleeding

32. Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor (WTF?!)

33. Osteoporosis

34. Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier

35. Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing' buzzing etc.

Oh, fun, fun, fun!!! J

Thursday, April 27, 2006

pocket full of nuthin

mckay said...
“…automatic pilot, coasting...been there and done that. right now, i think i must be stuck in neutral, in my cave, immersed in mental quicksand. nothing is motivating me. i need a jolt of something to get me in gear. But then again…

glad you are on such a healthy track. i'll look to people such as yourself for motivation and inspiration.


There I was tying a rather benign blog comment confirming that I’ve been in my cave for the past four years. I thought I was numb, yet as I typed a quickie comment while in my work cubicle the tears started to flow.
“no. not here. not now. hold it back. bury it. don’t feel the pain. wipe your eyes. put the smile back in place.”

I don’t want to feel what I know is lurking. I’ve avoided letting it out all the way, but every once in a while the feelings seep through the cracks of locked doors only to be stuffed back and calked behind the barrier.

The first leg of the journey had me “doing” so much stuff..talking to numerous counselors, police detectives, criminal attorneys, divorce attorneys, customers, accountants, relatives, children…I was busy, busy, busy trying to manage and salvage the crisis. Now, for the most part, the crisis is over and I am surveying the fallout: the lost business partnership, the many lost relatives that once cared about me, a marriage that limped along at best, loss of a home, a neighborhood, a group of friends, and most painful of all - what I hate most about this whole thing: the loss of having my daughter near. The devastation is too much to handle.

I have so much hate and anger for a man I have to see regularly, who my little son adores. I stuff my feelings inside so I can smile at my little boy, listen to the odds and ends of stories of his cool dad. I will do this for my son.

Ever listen to Dr. Laura? If I had a long time ago….but why look back?… anyways, she gave advice to a young woman that helped me a lot. She said the way to survive a brutal crisis and continue on, is to keep the anger over what happened in the left pocket and live my life in the right pocket. The atomic anger I feel lives in my left pocket. My right pocket has a hole in it. I hope with time and prayer, humor and luck the hole will be repaired.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

only the lonely

With my recent move and my subsequent purchase of a new satellite system and the infamous tivo, I’ve joined the better late than never club: I’ve started watching the ancient cultural phenomenon known as Sex and the City, all cleaned up, mind you, which suits me fine.

Tonight’s episode was about the single’s plight of living in a married world. Oh, the sorrow, to attend parties where all present are paired like occupants in noah’s ark and you’re the single orphan, receiving looks of both sympathy and suspicion. Blah, blah, blah…

Let me enlighten the masses on what really is the most abhorred existence; one so heinous that it should be encased behind glass to be observed from a sterile distance so not to catch any possible contagions: The divorced mother.

Divorced moms are the social pariah., the leper of the not so new millennium. Single people think, “how uncool in a sad way. Just like my mom.” Married people think, “how sad, I pray that never happens to US.”

SMs are never invited to the singles’ or couples’ parties of her past. Her phone number must have disappeared off of everyone’s pda.

But hey, that’s okay. I don’t want to go out much. I don’t really want to date. I just miss having a group of friends.

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Monday, April 17, 2006

good clean fun

I think I’ve invented something:

Shower Aerobics©. It’s for those people who never exercise and whine out a litany of excuses:

“I don’t have time to go to the gym”
“I hate to get all sweaty”
“I can’t stand to exercise in front of other people”
“I can’t afford a gym membership”

For these people, here’s 20 Minute Shower Aerobics©

All one has to do to experience 20 Minute Shower Aerobics© is when taking your morning shower, put a grove to your booty and do a little dance and do some high knee lifts, wave your arms in the air, pull out all the aerobics moves you can that fit in a 5x5 shower stall. You’ll never get sweaty. You’ll step out feeling energized and refreshed. Just don’t slip in the soapy water, and wait to shave.

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Saturday, April 15, 2006

stretching the limits

you know you need to go on a diet when:

your stretch jeans won't stretch any further
you jiggle when you walk - in all the wrong places.
men don't do the slow head turn anymore and you feel invisible

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