“…automatic pilot, coasting...been there and done that. right now, i think i must be stuck in neutral, in my cave, immersed in mental quicksand. nothing is motivating me. i need a jolt of something to get me in gear. But then again…
glad you are on such a healthy track. i'll look to people such as yourself for motivation and inspiration.
There I was tying a rather benign blog comment confirming that I’ve been in my cave for the past four years. I thought I was numb, yet as I typed a quickie comment while in my work cubicle the tears started to flow.
“no. not here. not now. hold it back. bury it. don’t feel the pain. wipe your eyes. put the smile back in place.”
I don’t want to feel what I know is lurking. I’ve avoided letting it out all the way, but every once in a while the feelings seep through the cracks of locked doors only to be stuffed back and calked behind the barrier.
The first leg of the journey had me “doing” so much stuff..talking to numerous counselors, police detectives, criminal attorneys, divorce attorneys, customers, accountants, relatives, children…I was busy, busy, busy trying to manage and salvage the crisis. Now, for the most part, the crisis is over and I am surveying the fallout: the lost business partnership, the many lost relatives that once cared about me, a marriage that limped along at best, loss of a home, a neighborhood, a group of friends, and most painful of all - what I hate most about this whole thing: the loss of having my daughter near. The devastation is too much to handle.
I have so much hate and anger for a man I have to see regularly, who my little son adores. I stuff my feelings inside so I can smile at my little boy, listen to the odds and ends of stories of his cool dad. I will do this for my son.
Ever listen to Dr. Laura? If I had a long time ago….but why look back?… anyways, she gave advice to a young woman that helped me a lot. She said the way to survive a brutal crisis and continue on, is to keep the anger over what happened in the left pocket and live my life in the right pocket. The atomic anger I feel lives in my left pocket. My right pocket has a hole in it. I hope with time and prayer, humor and luck the hole will be repaired.