Thursday, April 27, 2006

pocket full of nuthin

mckay said...
“…automatic pilot, coasting...been there and done that. right now, i think i must be stuck in neutral, in my cave, immersed in mental quicksand. nothing is motivating me. i need a jolt of something to get me in gear. But then again…

glad you are on such a healthy track. i'll look to people such as yourself for motivation and inspiration.


There I was tying a rather benign blog comment confirming that I’ve been in my cave for the past four years. I thought I was numb, yet as I typed a quickie comment while in my work cubicle the tears started to flow.
“no. not here. not now. hold it back. bury it. don’t feel the pain. wipe your eyes. put the smile back in place.”

I don’t want to feel what I know is lurking. I’ve avoided letting it out all the way, but every once in a while the feelings seep through the cracks of locked doors only to be stuffed back and calked behind the barrier.

The first leg of the journey had me “doing” so much stuff..talking to numerous counselors, police detectives, criminal attorneys, divorce attorneys, customers, accountants, relatives, children…I was busy, busy, busy trying to manage and salvage the crisis. Now, for the most part, the crisis is over and I am surveying the fallout: the lost business partnership, the many lost relatives that once cared about me, a marriage that limped along at best, loss of a home, a neighborhood, a group of friends, and most painful of all - what I hate most about this whole thing: the loss of having my daughter near. The devastation is too much to handle.

I have so much hate and anger for a man I have to see regularly, who my little son adores. I stuff my feelings inside so I can smile at my little boy, listen to the odds and ends of stories of his cool dad. I will do this for my son.

Ever listen to Dr. Laura? If I had a long time ago….but why look back?… anyways, she gave advice to a young woman that helped me a lot. She said the way to survive a brutal crisis and continue on, is to keep the anger over what happened in the left pocket and live my life in the right pocket. The atomic anger I feel lives in my left pocket. My right pocket has a hole in it. I hope with time and prayer, humor and luck the hole will be repaired.


kate said...

I always like thinking of something really mean happening to them...(not REALLY mean...) like them having a bad case of poison ivy all over their beautiful face AND in their crotch! lol Immature, but effective!

cheers! Kate

Jamie Dawn said...

Your feelings are very real and very valid. I have deep hurts too, that I must carry every day.
I like the left pocket, right pocket thing. I like it because it is silly to think that all that pain can just somehow evaporate if we keep on smiling. The pain is there, and it is real.
Life is hard. It hands us some really awful crap to deal with sometimes, and we don't have the means to escape from it. Having to deal with your ex on a regular basis, and trying not to dash your son's opinion of him has got to be terribly difficult.
Being away from your daughter has got to be the worst thing of all. I can't imagine that pain.
I know what being extremely hurt feels like, though.
It wounds you for life. It does not mean that life will not bring about good things and future happiness.
I am blessed with many wonderful things.
The good does not negate the bad, though. Life brings both to us. I've also suffered great loss personally and loved ones who have died. We carry these things with us and must learn to live in spite of them.
It's okay to cry. Do it often. Let out those feelings and also determine to show your son what it looks like to triumph over adversity.

Mr. Althouse said...

You'll get through it and it'll be ok when you come out the other side. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but it's true and you know it. I been down that path and it appeared hopeless - worse, for a very long time. Things change, however, never as quickly as we'd like them to and at others much too quickly (usually only in retrospect though).

I can't begin to relate the dispair I have felt. My best and only advise is to have the patience to get to that place of gratitude and peace. Serenity can be had, it only takes a little work, a little willingness and a lot of patience because no matter how fast close the light at the end of the tunnel is, it is never close enough.

I have been a bystander, a player, an instigator and a bump on a log. I've couldn't get out of my own way and I could move an inch to save my life. I was a victim - but a victim no more. You don't have to do it alone, there are many who have been there and know the way out. Lean on me - you can do this.