fun, fun, fun!

After my little emo moment the other day, I got to thinking. (shocking, I know) I said to myself, “Self, maybe it’s menopause.” So I did a little net sleuthing and I found – horror of horrors…35 symptoms to check off.

Get out your pencils, girls.

1. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling …sounds like a song I once heard..”I’ve got that clammy feeling…

2. Bouts of rapid heart beat

3. Irritability, Mood swings…I am NOT emotional, I tell you!!

4. Sudden tears ….waaaaaaaaaaa. this is so me right now. I cry during movies that I’ve seen a hundred times, yet never shed a tear prior. Oy! Pass the tissues.

5. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats) not so much.

6. Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; shorter cycles, longer cycles …TMI

7. Loss of libido….nope, just not my party these days.

8. Dry vagina …ewu. The things I get to look forward to. Do we have to get ALL the symptoms? I’ll skip this one, thanks.

9. Crashing fatigue…is this going to raise my car insurance?

10. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease

11. Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom …is it just me, or don’t #s 10 & 11 sound a bit the same?

12. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion …hmmm?

13. Disturbing memory lapses …I don’t remember having any loss of memory, so I think I’m okay with this one.

14. Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence …I’ve learned to cross my legs real tight when I feel a sneeze coming on.

15. Itchy, crawly skin …god, this is all so sexy.

16. Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons

17. Increased tension in muscles …again, 16 &17: real similar. I think they’re just trying to raise the number count to make this meopause thing real serious sounding.

18. Breast tenderness ….didn’t we have to deal with this when we were 11?

19. Headache change: increase or decrease …I’ve had mega migraines lately. Ouch.

20. Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea …excuse me.

21. Sudden bouts of bloat …oh, great, this is all so fun.

22. Depression …sigh.

23. Exacerbation of existing conditions …again with raising the number count. Knock it off cyber writers.

24. Increase in allergies

25. Weight gain (!) another thing I can blame it on.

26. Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair …oh, gross.

27. Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance

28. Changes in body odor

29. Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head

30. Tingling in the extremities,

31. Gum problems, increased bleeding

32. Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor (WTF?!)

33. Osteoporosis

34. Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier

35. Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing' buzzing etc.

Oh, fun, fun, fun!!! J