Saturday, April 21, 2007

commitment phobe? moi?!

gather round, children and i will teach you the lesson i learned this week. yes, i, this just shy of 47, old dog, learned something significant about myself, and life.

throughout my whole life, when i've wanted something, i've not been shy about expressing my a kid i dreamed of owning a horse. every birthday and christmas, i let my parents and santa know, "i want a horse. pleeeeeaaase!!"

i prayed, i daydreamed, i tried to be extra specially good, thinking that these demonstrations of my desire would produce an end result. well, not so much happened in the results area in that particular quest.

romantically, perhaps i did the same thing. when i wanted a relationship to work, i tried extra hard, i ignored the red flags and said to myself that everyone has drawbacks...myself included, so i chose to work extra hard to make the relationship work, even if it had inherent flaws which made for a shaky foundation at best.

on my two date weekend with my ....bud, (which was fabulous, by the way) we came to a point where he mentioned commitment...i did what i historically NEVER do...i put on the brakes. now mind you, this is a man whom i kinda adore. he's not handsome or tall but he is special and has that 'something' that makes my heart go pitty pat. go figure.

over the past several weeks, i've been thinking, and thinking some more. we haven't talked on the phone very much, my bud and me.. and i guess that's okay. in the past i'd talk on the phone for hours til the wee hours of the morn, and guess what? that talker ended up being...just that. all talk and not much substance.

so. things are good. i'm not going all mooshy (well, okay, a little bit) and life goes on.

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on another note, this weekend i'm headin' on a road trip to hang with my mckteen in arizona! it'll be a quickie trip to see her off to her very first prom. driving 6 hours there and 6 hours back for a 30 minute photo session will be memory i will cherish forever - and i think she will, too.

i'm so excited!!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

game o life

remember the game of life? spin the spinner and move toward college, career, marriage, kids, pay somes taxes, collect your salary and then it's a fast finish to the poor house or the lap o luxurious retirement mansion.

(wouldn't it be funny if they came out with a game of real life with lots of now-a-days life cards:

"probation officer sees you at strip club" lose your turn

"next door neighbor is arrested for meth lab in his garage" put your house on the market and pay more association dues

"co-worker gets a drunk at company party, loses the boss's respect" get promotion and big pay raise)

basically, i've been thinking about keeping my head on straight as i start to think about life outta the cave. as i've reconnected with an old friend and started to exchange emails, i found myself mentally racing around the game board, imagining all the future possibilities...then i reminded myself that my game piece is still on the Start square.

well, i got another email today, and i think i can officially move my game piece ahead a couple of spots. here's a sample:

"I am looking forward to getting together to collect on our little bet. (i owe him dinner from a bet we made at the st. paddy's party) But more importantly to begin to dialogue with you and to explore this opportunity that the Lord has brought us together to share in...there seems like so much to share but sharing it in an email and even over the phone just does not seem as good as being face to face with you."

yes, i'm pretty darn happy this evening. whether or not this turns into something romantically significant or not, i know that i am venturing back into my own game of life, and it feels good.