Thursday, January 12, 2006

Rainstorms and Apron Strings

Last night I had my first nightmare in months. My ex somehow got inside my home and was taking my son. The dream kept repeating. The home wasn’t mine. My subconscious had warped my home and made up some strange indoor/outdoor maze of a building that was supposed to be my house. It was raining. The house leaked. Vulnerable. Unprotected. He wasn’t supposed to be in my home. He had no key. There was a restraining order being ignored. He was taking my son…

* * *

This weekend will be the first time my son spends the weekend at his dad’s house. Three years of courts and lawyers, psychologists and social workers. Almost $80 grand in fees to protect my son and this weekend my son is going to his dad’s home and will probably wake in the middle of the night and climb into his dad’s bed with his new wife.

It gives me nightmares and my son is okay with the upcoming ‘sleepover’, “I like my dad. My dad’s the best dad in the whole world. And you’re the best mom in the whole world.” I smile and agree, “And you’re the best son in the whole world.” I play it cool. I don’t make waves. I keep my fears to myself.

I’ve been praying for his dad for three years; longer, if you count the times of prayer during our dating and marriage. I’m betting on that his dad has changed and all is well. A little apron string is being cut this week and it hurts.


Jamie Dawn said...

Well, it's no mystery why you had the nightmares. You are dreading this weekend. I hope all goes well, and that your ex will put your son's needs first and not be hateful towards you. You better rent some movies this weekend or plan to do something to keep your mind busy. Time can go by really slowly if you're worrying about something.

JohnJEnright said...

I hope all goes well, and I agree with Jamie that keeping your brain busy is good. Maybe having someone keep you company would feel good.

mckay said...

thanks! i'm sure it'll be fine. the nightmare was unexpected, though. lawyers' letters were faxed late this afternoon. sleepovers start 'next' weekend.

i've got Christmas gift certificates for hair styling and a massage, so i think i'll find ways to keep busy. :)

plus i may have to break down and go see brokeback mountain. i love to see the academy contenders.

Manic Mom said...

Oh man, keep yourself busy this weekend--go see some fun chicky movie to keep your mind off things!

Jamie Dawn said...

So, the dreaded weekends start next weekend.
Well, you have time to plan out your weekend and prepare for it. Just don't stay home and stare at the wall, or you will just cry and worry.
I hope it all goes okay.

mckay said...

i'm so much NOT a wall starer.

i'm more normal than one might think. the post was dark due to the dream. i'm actually very chipper, but lately this blog is my venting venue.

all's well. no prozak for me ;-)

Carly said...

well pass your prozac my way, girlie, I think I need it!! My spouse/kids are making me nuts. I feel like the family maid, and I've tried EVERYTHING from asking nicely 3x, to writing "chore lists" to yelling and NOTHING helps.