Monday, June 19, 2006

himself

ever have a connection with someone so profound and comfortable that it just felt right…but it ended all wrong? Whenever I’m in a show I think of this person. I haven’t seen him in decades, but I feel a part of his spirit is with me…or maybe a part of my spirit is caught up with him. …or a little fabric of his being is tucked in my breast, to be pulled out every now and then to be remembered and cherished. I don’t know. I have a memory of him that I can’t escape. I liked everything about him. He was cute, in a goofy way; talented as a character actor who was always on the money; liked by teachers and classmates alike. He was kind, funny and sweet. Kindof a young and silly Jimmy Stewart. He was a bit older and was fun, secure, sweet, exciting and safe.

I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.. I found out that he did at a party. There was a picture of her in his bedroom. A professional 8x10. she was pretty – a model, someone said. She was in New York doing work. That’s all I knew. I cared for him. I was falling for his goofy ways.

I have one very specific memory of him wearing goulashes and dancing in a huge water puddle in front of the drama department. I never got to see our relationship to a deeper level. His girlfriend could sense something in his voice and she knew she had to fly home or lose him. She flew home. I lost him. Maybe I never had him, but he sure had me – had my heart.

It wasn’t a fade to black; it was a crash and burn. She had to meet me - to see ‘the other woman’ (I was 18 and so naive, vulnerable and in the dark). I had no idea what I was getting into. I met her on the steps of the drama department (her call) and she pointed her finger at me and basically called me a whore for taking her man. I didn’t understand how I was so wrong, what I had done wrong - how I had hurt someone I didn’t believe existed. The rumors of her didn’t seem real, and when I mentioned her to him, what I heard in his words made it seem like she didn’t really exist. She was a thing beyond, in a distant, thick fog. Not real.

She belittled me in front of classmates. She had her revenge and I was a sacrificial lamb of sorts. The burnt offering from him to her. I was cut to the core. Humiliated. Shamed.


I still think of him sometimes. Whenever I’m in a play.

4 comments:

Phil said...

McKay- I know exactly how you feel. That feeling that someone now gone from your life has taken a little pice of your heart with them that you can never get back. You always feel that pull when you think of them and you know that if you ran into them again you'd fall for them all over again.

Phil said...

Damn! I misspelled "piece"(pice). I always do that when I'm typing.

ablondeblogger said...

I hope you remember him as he really is and not as you thought he was. That guy is an ass!

mckay said...

LOL, dawn. i know i know. i always fall for asses! it's my thang.

yep, phil, i'd probably fall for him all over again. darn.